Rhodine
1) Does the draft have a main point (thesis)?
It is not clear to me what her thesis is. However, from what she has what looks most like a thesis to me is: “all these places of a couple of things in common, one they
are all places of low income two they are places that get dumped on.” Perhaps, she is trying to prove that low income neighborhoods are being subject to high levels of pollution. I think this kind of thesis would guide her more towards a report than a research essay.
2) Find an instance of what you consider an interesting or useful example, image, chart, etc. and explain why.
She has only completed part of the paper. Therefore, she has yet to incorporate examples.
3) Find a place in the paper that you consider confusing or boring and explain why.
“Environmental racism is when one particular group, usually people of low income have to take on the burden of caring for another group’s environmental mess.” This part is a bit confusing to me. I don’t think this is the appropriate definition of environmental racism. Instead, she is observing what occurs as a consequence of environmental racism.
4) Does the draft acknowledge where information comes from IN THE BODY OF THE TEXT?
No, citations have not been included yet.
5) If the draft has a fictional "human interest story," discuss whether it is convincing/imaginative/detailed or forced/tedious/general.
Not included.
6) Would you recommend that the writer get some help with grammar before turning in the last draft? Why? Why not?
I do not think she necessarily needs help with grammar. Nevertheless, she does have several grammatical errors, which I think she can correct herself once she proof-reads the paper.
Jocelyn
1) Does the draft have a main point (thesis)?
Well, it is not explicitly stated in the beginning, but it is later developed. If the professor wants a standard form essay then she needs to write it in the intro. However, I do not think is necessary. As it is it works fine because it builds up in intensity. Based on what I read her thesis is something like this: Guarani Indians are strongly connected to the environment and thus, do not feel compelled to join the modern industrial society. Nevertheless, money driven investors have been buying land, which the Guarani do not legally own but have inhabited for hundreds of years, for raising cattle. The consequence of this has been terrible for the Guarani people. Because the Guarani have been dispossessed of their land, many now have sought to abandon their traditional ways and tried to join modern society by obtaining low paying jobs. The Guarani are now ostracized and discriminated against.
2) Find an instance of what you consider an interesting or useful example, image, chart, etc. and explain why.
“Thus, even though the indigenous tribe has occupied an area for decades, they have no claim over it. Land purchases by big corporations and the constant expansion of ranchers have forced them deeper into the forest or onto small plots of land that have already been cleared, and are of no use to anyone. Up to a thousand of them are crammed into these sections, where they can barely sustain themselves with what little crops they do manage to grow. Malnutrition plagues the communities, increasing the child mortality rate; some children barely make it to their fifth birthday. Sadly, even these plots do not provide security to the populations.” It is interesting to me how over and over we see that the wealthy continuously attain wealth by the suppression of the poor majority. The same holds true for my topic. In Haiti, foreign investors, who during the American invasion dispossessed the Haitian peasants, have largely contributed to the destruction of agriculture and horticulture in Haiti.
3) Find a place in the paper that you consider confusing or boring and explain why.
I find that Jocelyn is doing a god job at maintaining the reader’s attention. I do not find anything boring or redundant.
4) Does the draft acknowledge where information comes from IN THE BODY OF THE TEXT?
Generally yes. However I found an instance where I believe she needs a citation: “Ranchers often ravage the villages, shooting their rifles near small children in play areas and raping women who have ventured out of sight of their families. Men who come to the aid of the helpless are beaten relentlessly, or shot point blank.” Since, this information could be a bit controversial and unknown to many, I deem it necessary to insert a citation.
5) If the draft has a fictional "human interest story," discuss whether it is convincing/imaginative/detailed or forced/tedious/general.
Not included.
6) Would you recommend that the writer get some help with grammar before turning in the last draft? Why? Why not?
No, her grammar is impeccable. I also like her style; it flows masterfully.
1) Does the draft have a main point (thesis)?
It is not clear to me what her thesis is. However, from what she has what looks most like a thesis to me is: “all these places of a couple of things in common, one they
are all places of low income two they are places that get dumped on.” Perhaps, she is trying to prove that low income neighborhoods are being subject to high levels of pollution. I think this kind of thesis would guide her more towards a report than a research essay.
2) Find an instance of what you consider an interesting or useful example, image, chart, etc. and explain why.
She has only completed part of the paper. Therefore, she has yet to incorporate examples.
3) Find a place in the paper that you consider confusing or boring and explain why.
“Environmental racism is when one particular group, usually people of low income have to take on the burden of caring for another group’s environmental mess.” This part is a bit confusing to me. I don’t think this is the appropriate definition of environmental racism. Instead, she is observing what occurs as a consequence of environmental racism.
4) Does the draft acknowledge where information comes from IN THE BODY OF THE TEXT?
No, citations have not been included yet.
5) If the draft has a fictional "human interest story," discuss whether it is convincing/imaginative/detailed or forced/tedious/general.
Not included.
6) Would you recommend that the writer get some help with grammar before turning in the last draft? Why? Why not?
I do not think she necessarily needs help with grammar. Nevertheless, she does have several grammatical errors, which I think she can correct herself once she proof-reads the paper.
Jocelyn
1) Does the draft have a main point (thesis)?
Well, it is not explicitly stated in the beginning, but it is later developed. If the professor wants a standard form essay then she needs to write it in the intro. However, I do not think is necessary. As it is it works fine because it builds up in intensity. Based on what I read her thesis is something like this: Guarani Indians are strongly connected to the environment and thus, do not feel compelled to join the modern industrial society. Nevertheless, money driven investors have been buying land, which the Guarani do not legally own but have inhabited for hundreds of years, for raising cattle. The consequence of this has been terrible for the Guarani people. Because the Guarani have been dispossessed of their land, many now have sought to abandon their traditional ways and tried to join modern society by obtaining low paying jobs. The Guarani are now ostracized and discriminated against.
2) Find an instance of what you consider an interesting or useful example, image, chart, etc. and explain why.
“Thus, even though the indigenous tribe has occupied an area for decades, they have no claim over it. Land purchases by big corporations and the constant expansion of ranchers have forced them deeper into the forest or onto small plots of land that have already been cleared, and are of no use to anyone. Up to a thousand of them are crammed into these sections, where they can barely sustain themselves with what little crops they do manage to grow. Malnutrition plagues the communities, increasing the child mortality rate; some children barely make it to their fifth birthday. Sadly, even these plots do not provide security to the populations.” It is interesting to me how over and over we see that the wealthy continuously attain wealth by the suppression of the poor majority. The same holds true for my topic. In Haiti, foreign investors, who during the American invasion dispossessed the Haitian peasants, have largely contributed to the destruction of agriculture and horticulture in Haiti.
3) Find a place in the paper that you consider confusing or boring and explain why.
I find that Jocelyn is doing a god job at maintaining the reader’s attention. I do not find anything boring or redundant.
4) Does the draft acknowledge where information comes from IN THE BODY OF THE TEXT?
Generally yes. However I found an instance where I believe she needs a citation: “Ranchers often ravage the villages, shooting their rifles near small children in play areas and raping women who have ventured out of sight of their families. Men who come to the aid of the helpless are beaten relentlessly, or shot point blank.” Since, this information could be a bit controversial and unknown to many, I deem it necessary to insert a citation.
5) If the draft has a fictional "human interest story," discuss whether it is convincing/imaginative/detailed or forced/tedious/general.
Not included.
6) Would you recommend that the writer get some help with grammar before turning in the last draft? Why? Why not?
No, her grammar is impeccable. I also like her style; it flows masterfully.
1 comment:
Thank you, Fidel. Your comments are excellent. I am sure your classmates will be very happy to read what you think about their work so far.
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